So, I’m back in the dating game.  Sorta.  I was seeing this guy for a long time.  No real commitment here, but  I think he’s awesome.  When A-hole came along, though, and hit me over the head with a metaphoric 2 by 4, I let P. slip to the sidelines. 

 Now that A-hole is completely and utterly out of my life, P. and I have slipped back into seeing each other regularly.  Only this time, he pays more attention to me.  He calls me more often, makes an effort to tie up all my Saturday nights, and makes noises about couplehood.  He’s very clear on the boundaries of our couplehood - as in “No, we’re not going to get married any time soon - I don’t care how well we get along, and even though I’m not dating anyone else right now, that doesn’t mean I won’t want to take up with the random chick I meet in the bar down the street, and I don’t want the drama, and OF COURSE that means you can date other people, and I understand completely if you find someone who you DO want to marry, as long as he’s rich and can take care of you, just don’t do it on the nights I can get away, because I am VERY INVOLVED with my kids, and I want to go out with you and have fun whenever I can, and you never know what will happen in five or ten years, not that I’m PROMISING anything, but for GOD’S SAKE don’t fall in love with anyone else, because I don’t know if I can handle that a second time.”

See?  So, he’s sweet, but maybe just a little deluded.  On the positive side: He really does like me, he plies me with alcohol to get what he wants, he pays for everything when I am with him, makes me laugh, and tells me, when I’m feeling a little insecure to cut it out, and “You are the most beautiful woman here - inside AND out.”  And he means it.  Or at least he’s really really good at humoring me when he doesn’t need to, because there’s no commitment, and he can always go down to the local bar, and…well… Oh, and we have really great conversations, because we both have a background in psychology, and get into why people do the things they do, which is sometimes amusing, sometimes a great and fun argument.

 On the negative side: when I’m feeling suicidal, he doesn’t usually answer his phone.  I WANT to get married, and maybe have another baby or two.  He advises against this.  I WANT to have someone to come home to - and because he lives an hour away, and works even further away than that, overnights are at an extreme minimum, because even on the weekends, he has to take his son to play football early early in the mornings.

Well, that’s my conundrum in a nutshell.

I had an epiphany the other day.  I adore fashion.  Project Runway is one of my favorite reality shows, and America’s Next Top Model is hands down the best.  The drama ticks me off,  I just want to see the fashion shots!

 I’ve always tried to deny it, because after all, isn’t fashion tres superficial?  Maybe, maybe not, I’m not even going to waste time thinking about that argument, because I’m done with that.  I enjoy it.  Even if I can’t wear it.  So, that said, if I were a fashion designer, I’d be Betsy Johnson.  I LOVE her Spring 2008 collection.  It’s like 50’s retro meets Strawberry Shortcake Punk - you’ve got looks like Apple Dumplin’ does Holly Homemaker and Rainbow Bright Goes to Prom. It’s exciting and fun! It must have been a blast to work on.

Now, if I were to WEAR fashion, it’d be Oscar de la Renta, or Ralph Lauren. VERY Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s OR My Fair Lady, Dahling.

Fashion is an easy thing to enjoy.  Just go online and browse a bit.  It’s fun to decide what looks are absolutely hideous (Marc Jacobs, for example) and what are Gorgeous!  It’s all about personal taste, and you don’t need to limit yourself to just one, after all.    It’s also fun to take just a moment out of your day and imagine walking on the red carpet next to Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney.  It definitely gets one out of a funk. 

 Also, meet my new BFFs…The Fug Girls. Ok, so maybe they don’t know they’re my new BFFs, but they’re there when I need a laugh, and when I’m depressed I can go to them, and they always have something snarky to say about someone that will make me feel better about myself. What more do you look for in a friend? Oh, maybe a glass of wine together now and then, but really, the most important part is the deep conversation.

 Rock on, sister Fashionistas, and until next time, just imagine what its like to open your eyes every morning to the deep orange and purple sky as it wakes up over the ocean.  I’m achieving so much inner peace in my new digs that I feel almost numb.

Three weeks ago, I was stuck in my old apartment, my son had just gone to Michigan and had just talked to me about staying there. 

Today, I am settling in to a brand new apartment that popped up on the radar moments before my son first spoke to me about staying in Michigan.  Literally.  That day, I had gone to a friend’s house.  They have an apartment on the beach, and I had spent the day swimming in the ocean, lying in the sun, walking to the center of town and eating pizza, fried dough, and ice cream with them and their children.  Because I had enjoyed the day so much, the subject came up  - the apartment upstairs was for rent.  Three weeks later, to the day, I was unpacking my things in my new, beach-side apartment.  One side faces the salt marshes, and an unobstructed view of the sunset.  The other side is a walk-out to a sand-filled back yard, and a gate - beyond which is the ocean.  Pure and simple.  I can see the sun rising over the ocean through my bedroom window, and it doesn’t suck to do dishes with the last golden rays of the day spilling through the window into the kitchen.  Yesterday, my friends from downstairs and I repeated the day when I first found out about the apartment.  We strolled to the center of town, ate some ‘za and some ice cream, enjoyed the sun and each other’s company, and made a big deal about walking home together.  They put their kids to bed, turned on the monitors, and climbed the stairs for a movie, warm brownies, and a few glasses of wine.  Later, I took my dog for a moonlight stroll on the beach, where he started getting used to the waves rolling over his paws.  Life just doesn’t suck.

My son’s life doesn’t suck either, it seems.  He called me Saturday morning.  “Guess where I am, Mom.”  “Where, Honey?”  “Tailgaiting at the U of M football game.”  My family has season tickets, but since my grandparents are getting older, lots of family members get a chance to go.  It was only too bad that he had to see Appalachian State beat the Wolverines on their opening game!

Songs evoke memories, emotions, even physical responses.  I’m listening to a new one, now, but it makes me feel like I’m back home in my small town. 

I have so many memories - good ones, bad ones, funny ones - they hurt.  All of them.  The fact that so much of  my life is over hurts.  Why does that happen?  I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I hurt when I think of home, when I think of my son there, I hurt when I look at the ocean and feel the wind because of newer memories, and I hurt when I listen to the radio.  You can’t run away from this type of pain, I think the only thing to do is embrace it.  My life has been so rich, like dark chocolate.  I just hope that someday I’m sated.

I had a very nice weekend - spent it mostly alone, on the beach, in the sun.  Too bad the beach and the sun remind me of Fucker.

It’s good to get angry sometimes, it pulls you up by your bootstraps, so to speak.  Gives you a little oomph to move forward, past your problems.  I am angry, yes, I am.  I am angry that once again a man whom I thought was “da bomb” thought I was a piece of garbage to be thrown out.  Yes, I’m still talking about Adam.  The rest of my life has blown up in my face, why not focus on the one thing I can’t change?  As if him liking me would fix everything else.  I go for the impossible things.  The things that can’t happen.  I drive myself nuts along with everyone else around me.  But the thing is, the things that ARE possible - they’re just not good enough.

I want the stars AND the moon.

 I wonder what it’s going to be like, living here without my son.  My son is in Michigan, with his family, and decided he wants to stay.  He wants to go to school there, and play football there, and be around his family.  I can’t blame him, but the idea of going back is suffocating to me.  Maybe I’d feel different if I WAS there.  Maybe I just need to finish out school right now.  I have a chance to move to an apartment directly on the beach.  That would be amazing.

I named this part 1 because undoubtedly there will be additional parts.  It’s probably one of my greatest faults, feeling sorry for myself.

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months…maybe even years, god forbid, where you feel like everything is falling to pieces around you?  The sky is falling and it’s made up of big, gloppy goo that mixes with the mud and makes you want to run and hide, and not touch anything.  I want to take the hottest shower I can stand, and stay in there until the heat penetrates and loosens up all the knots in my heart.

 Right now, a family member whom I care for very much, is dying.  He’s actually my son’s family, but we’ve remained close.  So, this morning, I put  my son on an airplane to fly 800 miles to watch his grandfather die.  Another relative, an uncle, is in a coma, due to a head injury he received at work; today is day 35.  From the same branch of family, a cousin committed suicide not too long ago.  I miss  my family, and I feel so alone right now.  I want to be wrapped up in love, and I want someone else to take over for awhile.  Just a couple of hours would be fine.

For some reason, though, no one but my family seems to want to love  me.  I’m considering moving back home, but I wonder if the loneliness wouldn’t be worse - I want a particular person to love me in a particular way, and there, I’d be surrounded by people who care, and whom I care about, but not in the way that I need or crave.  It’s almost easier to bear it when I’m far away.

I wonder if it’s not time to start giving up on the dreams of spending my life with another person.  I need to take complete and total responsibility for my entire life - from entertainment (I don’t have a problem going to a movie alone, but NOT on a Friday or Saturday night), to adventure (I’m thinking about taking a kayaking class, or maybe a boxing class), to sex…well, it’s actually easy enough to find a partner, as long as “love” doesnt come into it…to taking care of myself when I’m hurt…although my biggest problem is I want to crawl back into bed, and pull the covers over my head.  I love to pray and  meditate, but that’s becoming an excuse not to do other things.  And even then, I just want someone to wrap me up - even for a few minutes, someone who likes me.

Ok, this is good - almost as good as that circle circle dot dot thing that I’m going to spend time finding now.

I didn’t expect this to be a news blog, but when you run across something that touches you - like yesterday’s Mia Farrow letter, there’s only one thing to do about it….here’s what got to me today….

Levitation believe it or not. Even if it’s only for small stuff.

Babies don’t get smart by watching DVD’s. I knew it! Actually, this makes total and complete sense, and I’m pissed off at the parents who think they can get away with sticking their kids in front of a damn television instead of interacting with them. It’s just perpetuating the problem of increased communication while lacking real connection in the world.

Peru is struggling with global warming. Of course, so is the rest of the world, but when you can see changes in a generation - like the shrinking of a glacier, well, it just makes me sick, what we’re going to leave our children and grandchildren.

Talk about making me sick. It seems our government has “lost” some weapons they had in Iraq. It could be bad record keeping, or it could be theft, or it could be that we’re fucking a MESS!!!! Please don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a democrat, but DON’T believe that we should pull out right now (pulling out prematurely is NEVER the best option…LOL). AND no matter what, I want our military to do the best job they know how, and to kick ass when appropriate, and come home alive. But I DO think our government is mis-using our militarty men and women. I don’t think they get the support they need financially, or with weapons, and here we are just “losing!!!” some of them! STEP UP, PEOPLE!!!!!

Forgot to post about my date that I had on Friday night. 

 Ever meet someone who’s probably perfect for you - we have an incredible amount in common, from the type of books we like to read (he lent me one, it was awesome, finished it this morning) to the movies we watch (both of us have an odd affinity for The Princess Bride), to what we like to do in our spare time (ride motorcycles, or sit on the beach) BUT….but, you’re bored to tears? 

 I wasn’t quite attracted to him visually, which is ok, because usually I can get past that.  But at this point in my life, why should I have to?  We had decent “get to know you” conversation, the time didn’t lag, and when he kissed me, on the rock by the ocean, it was romantic, perfect timing, and ok, so I felt something.  The problem is, I don’t know if what I felt was because I seriously wanted to get laid, or if there was chemistry.  Some part of me feels let down, so I think it might be the former reason.  I was a very good girl, though, and didn’t even allow his hands to stray.  I’d only had a couple of drinks, though, and he was so nice, I really didn’t want to lead him on any more than I already was. 

 So, what is it about relationships?  There are the ones you think will last forever, and one day you’re just done.  Then there are the ones where you think you can live up to the expectations that are there - yours, his, of each other, of the relationship.  There are relationships based on lies, and ones based on comfort.  Then there’s the one that makes your heart trip double time, and gives you a burning feeling in your gut.  It’s not comfortable - it’s not even nice, but you crave it.  I don’t think I can go back to the nice, comfortable, you’re a nice guy relationship.  It feels like I’m giving up too much - like he’s a nice guy so he should get what he wants, even though I’m not.  That’s not right on any level.

Still, the drinks were tasty, the ocean breeze was beautiful, and the company was fine.  Not great, but fine.  I’ll probably see him again, but only once or twice more…I have to give him back his book, after all.