08.24.07
bittersweetness
Songs evoke memories, emotions, even physical responses. I’m listening to a new one, now, but it makes me feel like I’m back home in my small town.
I have so many memories – good ones, bad ones, funny ones – they hurt. All of them. The fact that so much of my life is over hurts. Why does that happen? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I hurt when I think of home, when I think of my son there, I hurt when I look at the ocean and feel the wind because of newer memories, and I hurt when I listen to the radio. You can’t run away from this type of pain, I think the only thing to do is embrace it. My life has been so rich, like dark chocolate. I just hope that someday I’m sated.
08.14.07
Time to Step it Up
I had a very nice weekend – spent it mostly alone, on the beach, in the sun. Too bad the beach and the sun remind me of Fucker.
It’s good to get angry sometimes, it pulls you up by your bootstraps, so to speak. Gives you a little oomph to move forward, past your problems. I am angry, yes, I am. I am angry that once again a man whom I thought was “da bomb” thought I was a piece of garbage to be thrown out. Yes, I’m still talking about Adam. The rest of my life has blown up in my face, why not focus on the one thing I can’t change? As if him liking me would fix everything else. I go for the impossible things. The things that can’t happen. I drive myself nuts along with everyone else around me. But the thing is, the things that ARE possible – they’re just not good enough.
I want the stars AND the moon.
I wonder what it’s going to be like, living here without my son. My son is in Michigan, with his family, and decided he wants to stay. He wants to go to school there, and play football there, and be around his family. I can’t blame him, but the idea of going back is suffocating to me. Maybe I’d feel different if I WAS there. Maybe I just need to finish out school right now. I have a chance to move to an apartment directly on the beach. That would be amazing.
08.09.07
Wallowing in Self Pity – Part 1
I named this part 1 because undoubtedly there will be additional parts. It’s probably one of my greatest faults, feeling sorry for myself.
Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months…maybe even years, god forbid, where you feel like everything is falling to pieces around you? The sky is falling and it’s made up of big, gloppy goo that mixes with the mud and makes you want to run and hide, and not touch anything. I want to take the hottest shower I can stand, and stay in there until the heat penetrates and loosens up all the knots in my heart.
Right now, a family member whom I care for very much, is dying. He’s actually my son’s family, but we’ve remained close. So, this morning, I put my son on an airplane to fly 800 miles to watch his grandfather die. Another relative, an uncle, is in a coma, due to a head injury he received at work; today is day 35. From the same branch of family, a cousin committed suicide not too long ago. I miss my family, and I feel so alone right now. I want to be wrapped up in love, and I want someone else to take over for awhile. Just a couple of hours would be fine.
For some reason, though, no one but my family seems to want to love me. I’m considering moving back home, but I wonder if the loneliness wouldn’t be worse – I want a particular person to love me in a particular way, and there, I’d be surrounded by people who care, and whom I care about, but not in the way that I need or crave. It’s almost easier to bear it when I’m far away.
I wonder if it’s not time to start giving up on the dreams of spending my life with another person. I need to take complete and total responsibility for my entire life – from entertainment (I don’t have a problem going to a movie alone, but NOT on a Friday or Saturday night), to adventure (I’m thinking about taking a kayaking class, or maybe a boxing class), to sex…well, it’s actually easy enough to find a partner, as long as “love” doesnt come into it…to taking care of myself when I’m hurt…although my biggest problem is I want to crawl back into bed, and pull the covers over my head. I love to pray and meditate, but that’s becoming an excuse not to do other things. And even then, I just want someone to wrap me up – even for a few minutes, someone who likes me.
Ok, this is good – almost as good as that circle circle dot dot thing that I’m going to spend time finding now.
Interesting News Tidbits
I didn’t expect this to be a news blog, but when you run across something that touches you – like yesterday’s Mia Farrow letter, there’s only one thing to do about it….here’s what got to me today….
Levitation believe it or not. Even if it’s only for small stuff.
Babies don’t get smart by watching DVD’s. I knew it! Actually, this makes total and complete sense, and I’m pissed off at the parents who think they can get away with sticking their kids in front of a damn television instead of interacting with them. It’s just perpetuating the problem of increased communication while lacking real connection in the world.
Peru is struggling with global warming. Of course, so is the rest of the world, but when you can see changes in a generation – like the shrinking of a glacier, well, it just makes me sick, what we’re going to leave our children and grandchildren.
Talk about making me sick. It seems our government has “lost” some weapons they had in Iraq. It could be bad record keeping, or it could be theft, or it could be that we’re fucking a MESS!!!! Please don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a democrat, but DON’T believe that we should pull out right now (pulling out prematurely is NEVER the best option…LOL). AND no matter what, I want our military to do the best job they know how, and to kick ass when appropriate, and come home alive. But I DO think our government is mis-using our militarty men and women. I don’t think they get the support they need financially, or with weapons, and here we are just “losing!!!” some of them! STEP UP, PEOPLE!!!!!
08.06.07
Date Night
Forgot to post about my date that I had on Friday night.
Ever meet someone who’s probably perfect for you – we have an incredible amount in common, from the type of books we like to read (he lent me one, it was awesome, finished it this morning) to the movies we watch (both of us have an odd affinity for The Princess Bride), to what we like to do in our spare time (ride motorcycles, or sit on the beach) BUT….but, you’re bored to tears?
I wasn’t quite attracted to him visually, which is ok, because usually I can get past that. But at this point in my life, why should I have to? We had decent “get to know you” conversation, the time didn’t lag, and when he kissed me, on the rock by the ocean, it was romantic, perfect timing, and ok, so I felt something. The problem is, I don’t know if what I felt was because I seriously wanted to get laid, or if there was chemistry. Some part of me feels let down, so I think it might be the former reason. I was a very good girl, though, and didn’t even allow his hands to stray. I’d only had a couple of drinks, though, and he was so nice, I really didn’t want to lead him on any more than I already was.
So, what is it about relationships? There are the ones you think will last forever, and one day you’re just done. Then there are the ones where you think you can live up to the expectations that are there – yours, his, of each other, of the relationship. There are relationships based on lies, and ones based on comfort. Then there’s the one that makes your heart trip double time, and gives you a burning feeling in your gut. It’s not comfortable – it’s not even nice, but you crave it. I don’t think I can go back to the nice, comfortable, you’re a nice guy relationship. It feels like I’m giving up too much – like he’s a nice guy so he should get what he wants, even though I’m not. That’s not right on any level.
Still, the drinks were tasty, the ocean breeze was beautiful, and the company was fine. Not great, but fine. I’ll probably see him again, but only once or twice more…I have to give him back his book, after all.
Grafitti & Love…
I’m feeling full of peace and love today. I should go burn a joint – ha ha! I read Mia Farrow’s letter to Omar Hassan al-Bashir, President of the Republic of Sudan today, and it’s really mind-blowing to think that someone is so willing, in this day and age to sacrifice themself for another human being. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know much about what’s going on over there, but wow, what she is doing is bringing about a lot of love, man.
The Grafitti link at the top of the page just furthers it – people doing their thing, using their gifts to try and make the world a better place. I’m impressed, and man, do I want to be like them.
My Son is turning 16 tomorrow. It scares me how fast time flies, because in the next 16 years, he will grow to middle age, and probably have children. I sucked as a parent, by my own standards, but I just hope I gave him enough to live his life on. I actually still want to have more kids, if I can find a man who I want to give my body over to. We’ll see how that goes.
But, love, man, love is in the air. It’s late summer, and I feel love for everyone…and no, I’m actually NOT on any drugs – so, it’s just my attitude, no chemicals. All right – I’m about to go all gushy here, and it’s making ME sick, too, so I’m going to stop – immediately…read Marianne Williamson’s “Return to Love” for more of what I’m feeling…
08.03.07
See, now THIS is the type of man I LOVE
Absolute Wise-ass, intelligent, and full of it – I love him!
So, what, do you ask, did the fucker do?
(See post below)….He invited me over to his house on the ocean to set me up with a friend of his. The only two words I could say with any clarity was, “Fuck You.”
Do I think maybe his point was for me to tell his friend that I wasn’t interested in him, instead of Adam telling him? Or was it because he wanted to pawn me off on his friend? Could go either way.
