09.24.07
Does a compliment count if it comes right after complaining about how fat & ugly you are?
So, I’m back in the dating game. Sorta. I was seeing this guy for a long time. No real commitment here, but I think he’s awesome. When A-hole came along, though, and hit me over the head with a metaphoric 2 by 4, I let P. slip to the sidelines.
Now that A-hole is completely and utterly out of my life, P. and I have slipped back into seeing each other regularly. Only this time, he pays more attention to me. He calls me more often, makes an effort to tie up all my Saturday nights, and makes noises about couplehood. He’s very clear on the boundaries of our couplehood – as in “No, we’re not going to get married any time soon – I don’t care how well we get along, and even though I’m not dating anyone else right now, that doesn’t mean I won’t want to take up with the random chick I meet in the bar down the street, and I don’t want the drama, and OF COURSE that means you can date other people, and I understand completely if you find someone who you DO want to marry, as long as he’s rich and can take care of you, just don’t do it on the nights I can get away, because I am VERY INVOLVED with my kids, and I want to go out with you and have fun whenever I can, and you never know what will happen in five or ten years, not that I’m PROMISING anything, but for GOD’S SAKE don’t fall in love with anyone else, because I don’t know if I can handle that a second time.”
See? So, he’s sweet, but maybe just a little deluded. On the positive side: He really does like me, he plies me with alcohol to get what he wants, he pays for everything when I am with him, makes me laugh, and tells me, when I’m feeling a little insecure to cut it out, and “You are the most beautiful woman here – inside AND out.” And he means it. Or at least he’s really really good at humoring me when he doesn’t need to, because there’s no commitment, and he can always go down to the local bar, and…well… Oh, and we have really great conversations, because we both have a background in psychology, and get into why people do the things they do, which is sometimes amusing, sometimes a great and fun argument.
On the negative side: when I’m feeling suicidal, he doesn’t usually answer his phone. I WANT to get married, and maybe have another baby or two. He advises against this. I WANT to have someone to come home to – and because he lives an hour away, and works even further away than that, overnights are at an extreme minimum, because even on the weekends, he has to take his son to play football early early in the mornings.
Well, that’s my conundrum in a nutshell.
09.12.07
Closet Fashionista
I had an epiphany the other day. I adore fashion. Project Runway is one of my favorite reality shows, and America’s Next Top Model is hands down the best. The drama ticks me off, I just want to see the fashion shots!
I’ve always tried to deny it, because after all, isn’t fashion tres superficial? Maybe, maybe not, I’m not even going to waste time thinking about that argument, because I’m done with that. I enjoy it. Even if I can’t wear it. So, that said, if I were a fashion designer, I’d be Betsy Johnson. I LOVE her Spring 2008 collection. It’s like 50’s retro meets Strawberry Shortcake Punk – you’ve got looks like Apple Dumplin’ does Holly Homemaker and Rainbow Bright Goes to Prom. It’s exciting and fun! It must have been a blast to work on.
Now, if I were to WEAR fashion, it’d be Oscar de la Renta, or Ralph Lauren. VERY Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s OR My Fair Lady, Dahling.
Fashion is an easy thing to enjoy. Just go online and browse a bit. It’s fun to decide what looks are absolutely hideous (Marc Jacobs, for example) and what are Gorgeous! It’s all about personal taste, and you don’t need to limit yourself to just one, after all. It’s also fun to take just a moment out of your day and imagine walking on the red carpet next to Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney. It definitely gets one out of a funk.
Also, meet my new BFFs…The Fug Girls. Ok, so maybe they don’t know they’re my new BFFs, but they’re there when I need a laugh, and when I’m depressed I can go to them, and they always have something snarky to say about someone that will make me feel better about myself. What more do you look for in a friend? Oh, maybe a glass of wine together now and then, but really, the most important part is the deep conversation.
Rock on, sister Fashionistas, and until next time, just imagine what its like to open your eyes every morning to the deep orange and purple sky as it wakes up over the ocean. I’m achieving so much inner peace in my new digs that I feel almost numb.
09.04.07
Change – the only constant
Three weeks ago, I was stuck in my old apartment, my son had just gone to Michigan and had just talked to me about staying there.
Today, I am settling in to a brand new apartment that popped up on the radar moments before my son first spoke to me about staying in Michigan. Literally. That day, I had gone to a friend’s house. They have an apartment on the beach, and I had spent the day swimming in the ocean, lying in the sun, walking to the center of town and eating pizza, fried dough, and ice cream with them and their children. Because I had enjoyed the day so much, the subject came up – the apartment upstairs was for rent. Three weeks later, to the day, I was unpacking my things in my new, beach-side apartment. One side faces the salt marshes, and an unobstructed view of the sunset. The other side is a walk-out to a sand-filled back yard, and a gate – beyond which is the ocean. Pure and simple. I can see the sun rising over the ocean through my bedroom window, and it doesn’t suck to do dishes with the last golden rays of the day spilling through the window into the kitchen. Yesterday, my friends from downstairs and I repeated the day when I first found out about the apartment. We strolled to the center of town, ate some ‘za and some ice cream, enjoyed the sun and each other’s company, and made a big deal about walking home together. They put their kids to bed, turned on the monitors, and climbed the stairs for a movie, warm brownies, and a few glasses of wine. Later, I took my dog for a moonlight stroll on the beach, where he started getting used to the waves rolling over his paws. Life just doesn’t suck.
My son’s life doesn’t suck either, it seems. He called me Saturday morning. “Guess where I am, Mom.” “Where, Honey?” “Tailgaiting at the U of M football game.” My family has season tickets, but since my grandparents are getting older, lots of family members get a chance to go. It was only too bad that he had to see Appalachian State beat the Wolverines on their opening game!
