10.27.08
Settling in.
I hate the term “settle.” Dust settles. But that’s exactly how I feel about now, I’m floating comfortably, relaxing into a new space. FINALLY. After living over 2 months with one’s grandmother, it’s great to have one’s own kitchen again. I wouldn’t have been able to make it this long with her and my grandfather, though. They really helped me out through some hard spots recently.
I have a new job that I will be starting next week. I’m terribly excited about it. I’ll be working in the development department of a major hospital – working in fundraising, and will be utilizing my writing skills and my organizing skills and my people skills. I couldn’t ask for a better fit.
Being in the midwest in the autumn is amazing. I’m almost glad to be back, but not quite. I love the smell of the air, and the sound of the wind through the dead trees. I want to go apple picking – yes, they had that out in New England, too, but I just never went – never wanted to, NOW I want to.
The depression is still sticking hard, and never again will I refer to A-hole as A-hole. A**** is a great guy, who’s dealing with his own issues, and still finding the time to be there for me through mine. He’s grown so much over the last year, and I am so proud of him and who he’s become, even though I have no right to be. I just wish I could be more a part of his life than an occasional phone call nowadays. My insides are all confused, so I have no idea if I’m supposed to wait to be with him, or if I need to move on and find someone else.
Speaking of someone else – ok, so I’m horrible at sitting with my emotions, so I keep moving around, trying to avoid them, which is why I started dating, even though I’m totally thrown over by A****. This guy – it’s good sex, but that’s what it’s dwindled down to. He’s moody, pouty, and won’t answer my call if he’s mad at me. And he thinks it’s funny. Dammit I need a real man. Someone who’s totally going to take control of the situation, he needs to be stronger than me, or at least strong where I’m weak. Where I’m weakest? I don’t want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. So I suffer. Which is (&*&)^(&^ RIDICULOUS!!!!
More news later.
09.04.07
Change – the only constant
Three weeks ago, I was stuck in my old apartment, my son had just gone to Michigan and had just talked to me about staying there.
Today, I am settling in to a brand new apartment that popped up on the radar moments before my son first spoke to me about staying in Michigan. Literally. That day, I had gone to a friend’s house. They have an apartment on the beach, and I had spent the day swimming in the ocean, lying in the sun, walking to the center of town and eating pizza, fried dough, and ice cream with them and their children. Because I had enjoyed the day so much, the subject came up – the apartment upstairs was for rent. Three weeks later, to the day, I was unpacking my things in my new, beach-side apartment. One side faces the salt marshes, and an unobstructed view of the sunset. The other side is a walk-out to a sand-filled back yard, and a gate – beyond which is the ocean. Pure and simple. I can see the sun rising over the ocean through my bedroom window, and it doesn’t suck to do dishes with the last golden rays of the day spilling through the window into the kitchen. Yesterday, my friends from downstairs and I repeated the day when I first found out about the apartment. We strolled to the center of town, ate some ‘za and some ice cream, enjoyed the sun and each other’s company, and made a big deal about walking home together. They put their kids to bed, turned on the monitors, and climbed the stairs for a movie, warm brownies, and a few glasses of wine. Later, I took my dog for a moonlight stroll on the beach, where he started getting used to the waves rolling over his paws. Life just doesn’t suck.
My son’s life doesn’t suck either, it seems. He called me Saturday morning. “Guess where I am, Mom.” “Where, Honey?” “Tailgaiting at the U of M football game.” My family has season tickets, but since my grandparents are getting older, lots of family members get a chance to go. It was only too bad that he had to see Appalachian State beat the Wolverines on their opening game!
02.23.07
Those Little Moments
“We need so little to feel loved; all we need to do is begin to notice the multitude of tiny gifts and small miracles that punctuate each day we are alive.” –Wayne Muller
To me – this is what Blue Moments are. They are the peaceful, pure happy moments that punctuate every day.
Yesterday, my bluest moment was hugging my sister. She’s visiting from Michigan, my family’s home, for business. I was only able to see her for one day on her visit, and I was happy as I hugged her goodbye. It was dark, cold, and some snow was spitting out of the sky, and we’d just gone to dinner, and for drinks. It’s a good day when I can see and laugh with my little sister.
