10.27.08
Settling in.
I hate the term “settle.” Dust settles. But that’s exactly how I feel about now, I’m floating comfortably, relaxing into a new space. FINALLY. After living over 2 months with one’s grandmother, it’s great to have one’s own kitchen again. I wouldn’t have been able to make it this long with her and my grandfather, though. They really helped me out through some hard spots recently.
I have a new job that I will be starting next week. I’m terribly excited about it. I’ll be working in the development department of a major hospital – working in fundraising, and will be utilizing my writing skills and my organizing skills and my people skills. I couldn’t ask for a better fit.
Being in the midwest in the autumn is amazing. I’m almost glad to be back, but not quite. I love the smell of the air, and the sound of the wind through the dead trees. I want to go apple picking – yes, they had that out in New England, too, but I just never went – never wanted to, NOW I want to.
The depression is still sticking hard, and never again will I refer to A-hole as A-hole. A**** is a great guy, who’s dealing with his own issues, and still finding the time to be there for me through mine. He’s grown so much over the last year, and I am so proud of him and who he’s become, even though I have no right to be. I just wish I could be more a part of his life than an occasional phone call nowadays. My insides are all confused, so I have no idea if I’m supposed to wait to be with him, or if I need to move on and find someone else.
Speaking of someone else – ok, so I’m horrible at sitting with my emotions, so I keep moving around, trying to avoid them, which is why I started dating, even though I’m totally thrown over by A****. This guy – it’s good sex, but that’s what it’s dwindled down to. He’s moody, pouty, and won’t answer my call if he’s mad at me. And he thinks it’s funny. Dammit I need a real man. Someone who’s totally going to take control of the situation, he needs to be stronger than me, or at least strong where I’m weak. Where I’m weakest? I don’t want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. So I suffer. Which is (&*&)^(&^ RIDICULOUS!!!!
More news later.
08.06.08
Life gets crazy
My last post was last september. So much has happened in the last year. And so little.
A-hole got back in my life – seems he was in jail for awhile, which sobered him up. He’s still sober, I fell for him again, whereupon he promptly told me he was in love with someone from his past, and they were going to do the happy family thing. We’re still friends, though. I guess.
I’m moving back to the midwest, my son was doing so much better there, and he got kicked out of his uncle’s house. I’m very sad about leaving the ocean, but it’s the right thing to do.
I dated a chinese vampire, I checked myself into the hospital for depression, and got a new tattoo. Oh, and a new car.
I have realized that doing the right thing isn’t the easiest thing. I have realized that no matter how much your intuition tells you something is right, it doesn’t mean it is. I have realized that I love the sound of the ocean in the middle of the night, and I love watching the waves roll in, it makes me feel really content. I have realized that most of my dreams probably won’t come true, and that we have to make new dreams to replace them. I have realized that I fall in love quickly and completely, and don’t consider the consequences. I have realized that life keeps going on, even when you want it to stop. I have realized that depression is a sickness, comparable to diabetes, it can strike you no matter your life circumstances, and you have to treat it long-term. I have realized I love to have sex in semi-public…outside, where you could get discovered, but no one’s around. I have realized that I can only have sex 3 times with the same person without getting attached and wanting more from them.
So, a lot has been learned. There hasn’t been too many blue moments, though. One where A put his hand on my hip as he moved around me to get something off the counter. One where he bought me my favorite ice cream because I was coming over. Waking up with his arm and leg thrown over me. Good energy hugs from my massage boss. I guess that covers the entire last year. Oh, laughing with the Chinese Vampire in Salem the weekend before Halloween. He’s great. Turned into a good friend. I said goodbye to him last night, and cried my eyes out.
09.24.07
Does a compliment count if it comes right after complaining about how fat & ugly you are?
So, I’m back in the dating game. Sorta. I was seeing this guy for a long time. No real commitment here, but I think he’s awesome. When A-hole came along, though, and hit me over the head with a metaphoric 2 by 4, I let P. slip to the sidelines.
Now that A-hole is completely and utterly out of my life, P. and I have slipped back into seeing each other regularly. Only this time, he pays more attention to me. He calls me more often, makes an effort to tie up all my Saturday nights, and makes noises about couplehood. He’s very clear on the boundaries of our couplehood – as in “No, we’re not going to get married any time soon – I don’t care how well we get along, and even though I’m not dating anyone else right now, that doesn’t mean I won’t want to take up with the random chick I meet in the bar down the street, and I don’t want the drama, and OF COURSE that means you can date other people, and I understand completely if you find someone who you DO want to marry, as long as he’s rich and can take care of you, just don’t do it on the nights I can get away, because I am VERY INVOLVED with my kids, and I want to go out with you and have fun whenever I can, and you never know what will happen in five or ten years, not that I’m PROMISING anything, but for GOD’S SAKE don’t fall in love with anyone else, because I don’t know if I can handle that a second time.”
See? So, he’s sweet, but maybe just a little deluded. On the positive side: He really does like me, he plies me with alcohol to get what he wants, he pays for everything when I am with him, makes me laugh, and tells me, when I’m feeling a little insecure to cut it out, and “You are the most beautiful woman here – inside AND out.” And he means it. Or at least he’s really really good at humoring me when he doesn’t need to, because there’s no commitment, and he can always go down to the local bar, and…well… Oh, and we have really great conversations, because we both have a background in psychology, and get into why people do the things they do, which is sometimes amusing, sometimes a great and fun argument.
On the negative side: when I’m feeling suicidal, he doesn’t usually answer his phone. I WANT to get married, and maybe have another baby or two. He advises against this. I WANT to have someone to come home to – and because he lives an hour away, and works even further away than that, overnights are at an extreme minimum, because even on the weekends, he has to take his son to play football early early in the mornings.
Well, that’s my conundrum in a nutshell.
08.06.07
Date Night
Forgot to post about my date that I had on Friday night.
Ever meet someone who’s probably perfect for you – we have an incredible amount in common, from the type of books we like to read (he lent me one, it was awesome, finished it this morning) to the movies we watch (both of us have an odd affinity for The Princess Bride), to what we like to do in our spare time (ride motorcycles, or sit on the beach) BUT….but, you’re bored to tears?
I wasn’t quite attracted to him visually, which is ok, because usually I can get past that. But at this point in my life, why should I have to? We had decent “get to know you” conversation, the time didn’t lag, and when he kissed me, on the rock by the ocean, it was romantic, perfect timing, and ok, so I felt something. The problem is, I don’t know if what I felt was because I seriously wanted to get laid, or if there was chemistry. Some part of me feels let down, so I think it might be the former reason. I was a very good girl, though, and didn’t even allow his hands to stray. I’d only had a couple of drinks, though, and he was so nice, I really didn’t want to lead him on any more than I already was.
So, what is it about relationships? There are the ones you think will last forever, and one day you’re just done. Then there are the ones where you think you can live up to the expectations that are there – yours, his, of each other, of the relationship. There are relationships based on lies, and ones based on comfort. Then there’s the one that makes your heart trip double time, and gives you a burning feeling in your gut. It’s not comfortable – it’s not even nice, but you crave it. I don’t think I can go back to the nice, comfortable, you’re a nice guy relationship. It feels like I’m giving up too much – like he’s a nice guy so he should get what he wants, even though I’m not. That’s not right on any level.
Still, the drinks were tasty, the ocean breeze was beautiful, and the company was fine. Not great, but fine. I’ll probably see him again, but only once or twice more…I have to give him back his book, after all.
08.03.07
See, now THIS is the type of man I LOVE
Absolute Wise-ass, intelligent, and full of it – I love him!
