I named this part 1 because undoubtedly there will be additional parts.  It’s probably one of my greatest faults, feeling sorry for myself.

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months…maybe even years, god forbid, where you feel like everything is falling to pieces around you?  The sky is falling and it’s made up of big, gloppy goo that mixes with the mud and makes you want to run and hide, and not touch anything.  I want to take the hottest shower I can stand, and stay in there until the heat penetrates and loosens up all the knots in my heart.

 Right now, a family member whom I care for very much, is dying.  He’s actually my son’s family, but we’ve remained close.  So, this morning, I put  my son on an airplane to fly 800 miles to watch his grandfather die.  Another relative, an uncle, is in a coma, due to a head injury he received at work; today is day 35.  From the same branch of family, a cousin committed suicide not too long ago.  I miss  my family, and I feel so alone right now.  I want to be wrapped up in love, and I want someone else to take over for awhile.  Just a couple of hours would be fine.

For some reason, though, no one but my family seems to want to love  me.  I’m considering moving back home, but I wonder if the loneliness wouldn’t be worse – I want a particular person to love me in a particular way, and there, I’d be surrounded by people who care, and whom I care about, but not in the way that I need or crave.  It’s almost easier to bear it when I’m far away.

I wonder if it’s not time to start giving up on the dreams of spending my life with another person.  I need to take complete and total responsibility for my entire life – from entertainment (I don’t have a problem going to a movie alone, but NOT on a Friday or Saturday night), to adventure (I’m thinking about taking a kayaking class, or maybe a boxing class), to sex…well, it’s actually easy enough to find a partner, as long as “love” doesnt come into it…to taking care of myself when I’m hurt…although my biggest problem is I want to crawl back into bed, and pull the covers over my head.  I love to pray and  meditate, but that’s becoming an excuse not to do other things.  And even then, I just want someone to wrap me up – even for a few minutes, someone who likes me.