08.07.07
Ok, this is good – almost as good as that circle circle dot dot thing that I’m going to spend time finding now.
Interesting News Tidbits
I didn’t expect this to be a news blog, but when you run across something that touches you – like yesterday’s Mia Farrow letter, there’s only one thing to do about it….here’s what got to me today….
Levitation believe it or not. Even if it’s only for small stuff.
Babies don’t get smart by watching DVD’s. I knew it! Actually, this makes total and complete sense, and I’m pissed off at the parents who think they can get away with sticking their kids in front of a damn television instead of interacting with them. It’s just perpetuating the problem of increased communication while lacking real connection in the world.
Peru is struggling with global warming. Of course, so is the rest of the world, but when you can see changes in a generation – like the shrinking of a glacier, well, it just makes me sick, what we’re going to leave our children and grandchildren.
Talk about making me sick. It seems our government has “lost” some weapons they had in Iraq. It could be bad record keeping, or it could be theft, or it could be that we’re fucking a MESS!!!! Please don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a democrat, but DON’T believe that we should pull out right now (pulling out prematurely is NEVER the best option…LOL). AND no matter what, I want our military to do the best job they know how, and to kick ass when appropriate, and come home alive. But I DO think our government is mis-using our militarty men and women. I don’t think they get the support they need financially, or with weapons, and here we are just “losing!!!” some of them! STEP UP, PEOPLE!!!!!
08.06.07
Date Night
Forgot to post about my date that I had on Friday night.
Ever meet someone who’s probably perfect for you – we have an incredible amount in common, from the type of books we like to read (he lent me one, it was awesome, finished it this morning) to the movies we watch (both of us have an odd affinity for The Princess Bride), to what we like to do in our spare time (ride motorcycles, or sit on the beach) BUT….but, you’re bored to tears?
I wasn’t quite attracted to him visually, which is ok, because usually I can get past that. But at this point in my life, why should I have to? We had decent “get to know you” conversation, the time didn’t lag, and when he kissed me, on the rock by the ocean, it was romantic, perfect timing, and ok, so I felt something. The problem is, I don’t know if what I felt was because I seriously wanted to get laid, or if there was chemistry. Some part of me feels let down, so I think it might be the former reason. I was a very good girl, though, and didn’t even allow his hands to stray. I’d only had a couple of drinks, though, and he was so nice, I really didn’t want to lead him on any more than I already was.
So, what is it about relationships? There are the ones you think will last forever, and one day you’re just done. Then there are the ones where you think you can live up to the expectations that are there – yours, his, of each other, of the relationship. There are relationships based on lies, and ones based on comfort. Then there’s the one that makes your heart trip double time, and gives you a burning feeling in your gut. It’s not comfortable – it’s not even nice, but you crave it. I don’t think I can go back to the nice, comfortable, you’re a nice guy relationship. It feels like I’m giving up too much – like he’s a nice guy so he should get what he wants, even though I’m not. That’s not right on any level.
Still, the drinks were tasty, the ocean breeze was beautiful, and the company was fine. Not great, but fine. I’ll probably see him again, but only once or twice more…I have to give him back his book, after all.
Grafitti & Love…
I’m feeling full of peace and love today. I should go burn a joint – ha ha! I read Mia Farrow’s letter to Omar Hassan al-Bashir, President of the Republic of Sudan today, and it’s really mind-blowing to think that someone is so willing, in this day and age to sacrifice themself for another human being. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know much about what’s going on over there, but wow, what she is doing is bringing about a lot of love, man.
The Grafitti link at the top of the page just furthers it – people doing their thing, using their gifts to try and make the world a better place. I’m impressed, and man, do I want to be like them.
My Son is turning 16 tomorrow. It scares me how fast time flies, because in the next 16 years, he will grow to middle age, and probably have children. I sucked as a parent, by my own standards, but I just hope I gave him enough to live his life on. I actually still want to have more kids, if I can find a man who I want to give my body over to. We’ll see how that goes.
But, love, man, love is in the air. It’s late summer, and I feel love for everyone…and no, I’m actually NOT on any drugs – so, it’s just my attitude, no chemicals. All right – I’m about to go all gushy here, and it’s making ME sick, too, so I’m going to stop – immediately…read Marianne Williamson’s “Return to Love” for more of what I’m feeling…
08.03.07
See, now THIS is the type of man I LOVE
Absolute Wise-ass, intelligent, and full of it – I love him!
So, what, do you ask, did the fucker do?
(See post below)….He invited me over to his house on the ocean to set me up with a friend of his. The only two words I could say with any clarity was, “Fuck You.”
Do I think maybe his point was for me to tell his friend that I wasn’t interested in him, instead of Adam telling him? Or was it because he wanted to pawn me off on his friend? Could go either way.
Finding my way back
I lost myself for a few months there. It’s all about a man – it’s always about a man – at least for me.
In April, I met Adam. So beautiful, so wild, so nutty, so damn sexy! I did bad things, made bad choices, and fell head over heels in love with a man who only had his smile and the sparkle in his eye to offer me. Oh, but wasn’t that enough? We had amazing, wild sex, laughed over stupid TV shows and movies, cried over other stupid movies, tossed a football around, and swam in the ocean. We jumped off a bridge together, and slept in a hammock on his porch. He was also an alcoholic who had a hard time holding down a job and had a history of drug addiction. He had committment issues – or maybe he didn’t – maybe he never wanted anything of the sort. If he didn’t, then he was a game player and a liar, and a lot of the responsibility of keeping the relationship on any sort of even keel fell to me.
For my own part, all my issues of insecurity and neediness and of wanting too damn much surfaced. I wouldn’t call him, because I didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed, I lied and said I could be “just friends with benefits” with him, I did many things I felt bad about just to please him and keep him around. It worked, because he trusted me implicitly, telling me about his other women, and inviting me to his house. I met his family. He’d call me when he wanted to feel comfortable, with another person, and he’d let me stay the night, even when we didn’t have sex. We’d watch stupid I-Tube videos together, laughing, we’d sing along to “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease, and the Hawaiin guy singing, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” and to that stupid song that still beats in my head, “Circle Circle Dot Dot….I got my cootie shot….do you think that girl is hot? I think I’d rather not…”
But I wasn’t myself. I was always on guard, always trying to show only that which he’d approve of and like. A week before our spectacularly humiliating break-up we sat on his porch, looking at the ocean, on an absolutely gorgeous evening, and I was tipsy, but I grabbed his huge hand, and looked him in the eye, or tried to until he looked away, and told him, “You add something to my life. I’ve had a blast the last few months, and I want to thank you for that.” I meant it.
In the last few paragraphs, I’ve been trying to take my share of the responsibility for the mess everything ended up in, but I feel like I’ve skirted the issue. So, here it is, face up. All my needs, all my insecurities were gushing over – not verbally, but in the fact that I was holding so much back, he couldn’t help but feel that, and know that something wasn’t right. I wanted way too much from him. I didn’t actually expect him to deliver(which is in itself a sin), but I hoped, and I wanted, and I prayed, and I people-pleased so damn much that I lost myself again. Our relationship wasn’t honest on my end, because I wasn’t communicating how deeply I felt for him. I was afraid I was going to lose him if I did, because he wasn’t ready or willing to have a committed relationship. So, I perpetuated a lie.
I fell so hard, and so painfully in love with him the anxiety was suffocating at times. A lot of my energy was wasted on denial, or trying hard NOT commit to the situation I was in. But I was committed to learn what I was supposed to learn, and see it through to the end.
I released him first with anger and defensiveness, but it only took a few hours to work through that emotion before I could forgive him completely, and wish him happiness and love. It’s been almost a week now, and I still have ups and downs, I want to cry, I want to hurt him, and I want him to call me, show up at my house, anything, and tell me he loved me too. I just want to be loved by someone that I feel that way about. Adam said that to someone once, not to me…he pulled her close to him, and said, “You just need to be loved.” It wasn’t me. But the story created another wall because I knew it would never be me.
So, in finding my way back, I have to stop feeling sorry for myself, because that’s just pitiful. I am grateful for the amazing moments I experienced over the last few months, and I have to remember that his leaving my life is making room for something even better.
03.31.07
What Tarot Card Am I?
I love reading Tarot cards for inner guidance. I’ve read them only rarely for other people, but I find that my intuition is pretty strong when it comes to other people. I think that’s pretty cool. I don’t so much believe that tarot cards can tell the future, but I think they remind people of what they already know inside – or what they SHOULD already know. Anyway, here’s a cool little thing:
You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
03.08.07
Playing with Cats and Mice
Ok, so this isn’t your usual blue moment, but it’s interesting none-the-less.
I was woken up in the middle of the night last night, by this eerie, wet, and unusually loud hissing noise coming from my cat. Usually, when my cat hisses, I think it’s incredibly cute, because it’s more of a deep breath out, like he can’t really make the noise, but this was a bizzare and, well, oogie-type sound. I reached over and clumsily turned on the lamp on my bedside table, and of course, I saw the last thing I wanted to see in the middle of the night – my cat, with a live mouse (it’s tail was twitching) hanging out of his mouth, in the middle of my bedroom floor.
I find my reaction to seeing mice as an adult interesting. When I was younger, I truly lived among the rodents. My mother’s house sat in the middle of a field, across the road from a barn, and just because of that our house was often infested with mice during the changing of the seasons. She now keeps cats on hand to keep that problem in check, and it works! But, none the less, while I was growing up, I’d emptied numerous mouse-traps out in the field, I found a dead mouse in my dresser, mixed in among some clothing, had a dead one stuck in our oven for months, until it’s carcass was cooked enough to not smell anymore, and was even faced with the dilemma of bludgeoning to death of some baby mice found in a storage box in our basement (I didn’t.)
In light of this history, at 1:30 am this morning, I found myself standing on my bed, barely containing the screeching sound so often portrayed in cartoons, while telling my cat to get out OUT! of my bedroom. My cat doesn’t tend to listen very well, so instead of getting out OUT! of my bedroom, he decided to play with the mouse – letting it go and pouncing on it, and tossing it around with his mouth, until finally the mouse ran out of the bedroom and the cat happily followed it, at which point I slammed the door closed on it, and stuffed a sweatshirt underneath the door, so if the mouse were so inclined, it wouldn’t be able to run underneath the door to get away from the cat.
I don’t know why adult women are often portrayed as being afraid of mice. I know why I didn’t like the idea of it running around my house last night, and it only has partly to do with the fact that I wasn’t wearing underwear (you know the old story – wear underwear to bed so that they don’t crawl up into your vagina). While that is a freaky-enough thought, I was more concerned about it running over my toes – a distinctly un-appealing thought. Mice are DIRTY! They carry germs, and I just plain don’t want any part of a mouse touching any part of me – bare or not. In fact, I was very tempted to take up the rug in the bathroom – which is where the cat commenced playing – to wash it, because undoubtedly, the mouse touched it.
In any case, the cat must have lost his mouse, and I think it was in the bathroom radiator, because he seemed particularly fascinated with that area this morning after I did finally wake up.
02.27.07
Bird Song
It’s the middle of winter, and yet I’m starting to wake up to the sunshine, and to the sound of birds chirping in the bare trees. It gives me a great feeling – to know that warmth and greenery is coming. The days are getting longer, which I love, because in the northeast, days get shorter than they do in the midwest. No more getting dark at 3:30 in the afternoon. It’s still light, and it’s almost 5:30.
